I'm not one for eating while walking, as a rule. Aside from the practical choreography of getting everything where it should be, in your mouth and not down the front of your coat, it had been drummed into me on more than one occasion that it can be seen as rather common. But of course, when facing the temptation of getting all the way home from the shops without sinking into a fresh, soft jam doughnut, there are different priorities.
Licking sugar from my lips, I walked from the escalators out onto the roof of the precinct and across the car park, looping my shopping bag handle onto my elbow so I could pull the car keys from my pocket. Pressing my key fob, the bleep from my car's central locking attracted the attention of a swooping seagull.
It lunged in the direction of my doughnut with such force that it blew the end of my scarf back over my shoulder. I was horrified at how enormous it was and a little surprised that it was there at all, being some twenty miles from the coast.
My instant reaction was to run, but in the drama of it all, I dropped my keys. Crouching to retrieve them, a sinister chill ran down my spine. Lifting my face to glance ahead, I realised the creature had landed and we were eye to eye. This was war.
Instinctively, I threw the last mouthful of my doughnut as far across the car park as I possibly could. As it left my hand, the seagull snapped at it as if to catch. The loud crack of its enormous empty beak had the sound of bone breaking. "That could have been my arm!" I thought, as I leapt to my feet and ran for the car. But my nemesis had collected his payoff and returned in no time at all.
I could hear the sound of his wings flapping as I lunged into the driver seat and slammed the door shut. For a fleeting moment, it appeared that he had given up and moved on to his next hapless victim. But then I could hear him walking about on my roof.
I lay silently draped across the passenger seat, listening with the fear of someone discovering an intruder in the house. "Just drive away!" I told myself, but the seagull had other ideas. As I sat up in my seat, he jumped down onto my bonnet and stared diligently into my eyes from the other side of the windscreen. He knew there were more doughnuts in my bag, and he wasn't going to give up now. With a loud squawk, he tapped aggressively on my windscreen. I turned on my engine and tooted my horn several times to scare him. Feathers unruffled, he retaliated by pulling up one of my windscreen wipers and nudging it with the side of his head, as if to break it off. He wanted me out of the car… he wanted my remaining doughnuts!
I jolted the car forward a couple of feet to shake him off. Lunging towards me, he banged his head on the windshield before sliding backwards across the bonnet and dropping onto the road in front of me. I was now trapped on all sides in my parking space. His enormous head popped back into view over the front of my bonnet. I was about to learn that Hell has no fury like a seagull scorned. He screeched loudly, relentlessly, again and again, over and over without breaking his gaze for a moment.
This wasn't just anger, this was a battle cry! Suddenly he stopped. Gradually through the deafening silence that followed, I could sense the sound of something approaching, like the evil winged monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. Two, then three, then four of his gang arrived, surrounding the car like black-winged vultures waiting to pick at my bones… and my remaining doughnuts.
Tooting my horn had no effect; they'd fought this battle before. For six long minutes I sat there terrorised, until some other unsuspecting shopper walked out with a bag of chips, distracting them away.
Seizing my moment, I threw the car into gear and tore away. I did feel for the woman, but in doughnuts and war, sometimes it's "every man for himself".
Don't forget you can see Jeff at Molly Moggs in London's SOHO on Monday and Thursday nights where Jeff performs his famous Sing along show, (Always a great night out)
You can also see what else Jeff has been up to by visiting his brand new website here:
www.jeffkristian.com and follow him on
Facebook and Twitter @jeffkristian
You can also catch Jeff as a co-host on the podcast/internet radio with Xander Gibb Xandermonium on Monday and Friday nights
Jeff also has his own range of "Life's a Drag" products available, get your hands on some here:JK Merchandise
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