When I was first told that a colleague of mine had been to see a psychic pussy, I wasn't sure how to react. "No really, it's fascinating," they said. "It knew all about his varicose veins and bad back." Anyone with decent eyesight would know that, I thought. But always up for a new adventure, I decided to bite the bullet and pay a visit myself.
Being a fan of cats, I had always believed them to be psychic and history tells us many of our ancestors had the same opinion. What intrigued me most was how the little thing would actually tell me what it had predicted.
I pictured myself asking questions and it answering with two licks for 'yes' and one lick and a meow for 'no'. Or would it perhaps stare into my eyes and send me a telepathic message? I had to wait three weeks for my reading, as apparently it was a very busy pussy and quite elderly, so needed periods of rest between appointments.
The night my consultation finally arrived, it was appropriately spooky with heavy rain, thunder and lighting. I have to confess I was actually quite excited as I parked my car outside a north London council house and ran up the broken path to the porch.
The knee-high grass in the front garden darted back and forth in the whistling wind as I waited for a response to my knock. An elderly lady in a fun-fur leopard-skin onesie let me in. I wondered for a moment if she was indeed the Psychic Pussy and that the whole experience was intended to be somehow symbolic. But my nose very quickly led my eyes to a cat-litter tray behind the front door in the hall. Assuming this to be for the feline mystic and not the old lady, I followed her through to the lounge.
"I'm Maggie, would you like a cup of tea my darling?" she asked, gesturing for me to sit. "I'll put the kettle on while I prepare the mixture." She seemed a very lovely lady despite her criminal dress sense, but her comment concerned me a little. "That would be nice, thank you," I replied, "but what kind of tea is it? I've got to drive home." "Oh, I've only got PG Tips dear," she giggled, "The mixture's not for you, it's for Sebastian."
I was guessing Sebastian was the cat, though for the moment the mixture remained a mystery. She toddled off in the direction of the kitchen as I sank into a large overstuffed armchair and looked around the room. It was suitably dark and moody, with several large white candles strategically balanced here and there. Random flashes of lightning through a gap in the curtains shot shards of sparkling light across the furniture.
Suddenly from nowhere, a large ginger ball of fluff jumped up onto my lap, purring fiercely. It adoringly snuggled its head into my hand for strokes, I was happy to oblige. "Oh, I see you've met Sebastian," the lady smiled, returning to the room. She placed my tea on the coffee table and handed me a wide brimmed bowl of something brown and sludgy. "That's for her," she smiled. "Her? I thought you said Sebastian?" I asked. "Well, she just wandered in the back door one day out of the blue and that was the name on her collar," said Maggie. "She's full of mysteries." I looked down at her sitting in my lap. She stared up at me hypnotically and blinked a few times, strangely still. "She's got the measure of you now, you can use the mixture." I wasn't sure what this meant. "So, what… do I rub it in, or…" "No, she'll eat it," the lady smiled.
Sebastian did indeed eat a little while sitting right there on my lap. What she didn't eat, she moved around a bit with her nose before jumping down and wandering off into the hall. "Now, give it to me and I'll tell you what Sebastian is predicting for you."
I passed the bowl into Maggie's outstretched hand and she sat, pulling her glasses down from the top of her head and staring intelligently at the mixture. I held my breath and waited with anticipation. I'd had my tealeaves read before and it was quite accurate, I could see no reason why cat food would be any different. "I can see a pair of high heels."
Pow! She had me on the first line. "You work in a shoe shop." Hmm. Accurate or not, this experience was going to be worth the twenty quid for entertainment value alone. "And you like to write, I can see a pen and paper." So far, so good.
"There are a lot of changes coming into your life very soon and it's all set to music. Is there a radiogram in your shop?" I'd figured by this time that the cat was probably better at this than she was. "And you're going to get some money you didn't know was coming very soon." It sounded lovely. "How did you first find out Sebastian could do this?" I asked. "I've always done tealeaves, and I recognised the same signs in her food. She was trying to tell me something." "Maggie and her moggy…you make a good team. Can you do my tealeaves too?" I asked hopefully. "No sorry, that's not going to be possible." I was a little disappointed.
"Oh, would that upset Sebastian's psychic balance, do you think?" "No it's not that, my darling," she smiled. "I can't do your tealeaves cause I made it with a teabag." Ask a silly question. A few days later, I did come into a little unexpected cash.
Perhaps the gorgeous Sebastian was psychic after all.
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